There is one thing about me you need to know. I try hard to do my best at everything and that includes being a good person to you. I need to be forgiven when I fall short because I feel like I'm constantly drowning in your expectations of me. I am constantly feeling crappy because you think I'm something I'm not. I'm just a girl in my mother's high heels playing grown up.
Somehow I ended up here. A wife with 4 kids and a farmhouse. Some days I look around and I feel so incredibly blessed. Others I feel like I'm drowning in other peoples expectations of me. I fall short more than I conquer and I'm getting tired of this feeling that I need to explain myself all the time.
I read other peoples blogs and I see what I want to say. What I mean to say but the words just don't come out anymore. I feel such a need to talk about the things that matter to me but I can't seem to put my thoughts together anymore. I don't know why I feel the need to put it out there. To try to explain who I am and what I am thinking. Maybe because I feel I am not understood by those around me.
What I do know is there are only 2 people that understand me completely. For them I am grateful. They 'get me'. I can be completely myself around them. Or at least they will take the time to listen to and understand me. I also know that I have a lot of girlfriends who are all so incredibly different from each other. When I think of them I see that each one of my close friends embodies something that I relate to. That's pretty cool and I'm grateful for that.
I miss some of them sooo incredibly much though. When I am missing them is it because I am feeling the need for a certain part of me to come out? Maybe. I think I miss sharing with them the things that we both hold dear to our hearts.
.....O.K now I'm not making any sense. AT all!! BUT guess what. That is me. All jumbled and mixed up and flawed. This is the thought I am sharing and I guess I'm aching a little because I feel as though I have nobody to share it with.