April 09, 2010

Just me...Plain and Simple

There is one thing about me you need to know. I try hard to do my best at everything and that includes being a good person to you. I need to be forgiven when I fall short because I feel like I'm constantly drowning in your expectations of me. I am constantly feeling crappy because you think I'm something I'm not. I'm just a girl in my mother's high heels playing grown up.

Somehow I ended up here. A wife with 4 kids and a farmhouse. Some days I look around and I feel so incredibly blessed. Others I feel like I'm drowning in other peoples expectations of me. I fall short more than I conquer and I'm getting tired of this feeling that I need to explain myself all the time.
I read other peoples blogs and I see what I want to say. What I mean to say but the words just don't come out anymore. I feel such a need to talk about the things that matter to me but I can't seem to put my thoughts together anymore. I don't know why I feel the need to put it out there. To try to explain who I am and what I am thinking. Maybe because I feel I am not understood by those around me.

What I do know is there are only 2 people that understand me completely. For them I am grateful. They 'get me'. I can be completely myself around them. Or at least they will take the time to listen to and understand me. I also know that I have a lot of girlfriends who are all so incredibly different from each other. When I think of them I see that each one of my close friends embodies something that I relate to. That's pretty cool and I'm grateful for that.

I miss some of them sooo incredibly much though. When I am missing them is it because I am feeling the need for a certain part of me to come out? Maybe. I think I miss sharing with them the things that we both hold dear to our hearts.

.....O.K now I'm not making any sense. AT all!! BUT guess what. That is me. All jumbled and mixed up and flawed. This is the thought I am sharing and I guess I'm aching a little because I feel as though I have nobody to share it with.


LaughingLady said...

Oh my friend, my heart aches for you. I sense you're going through a bit of a tough time (some of it could be due to sleep-deprivation, although that doesn't make it any less real!), and I'd just like you to know that I'm praying for you.

I think it's fairly common for women to have times in their lives where they just don't seem to fit anywhere and it's hard ~ for someone who's supposed to have it all together ~ to feel so lost.

It's trite, but true: "If God is there, it doesn't matter where you are. You're home."


desperatelyseekingsuzin.blogspot.com said...

You are blessed to have those 2 people who you feel get you-that is unbelievably wonderful. There really is no better gift than feeling understood without a need to explain anything, or feeling "fake"

It is hard at times to feel like you are playing dress up and not quite sure how you ended up here... Those feelings I guess are not bad feelings... it is good sometimes to be introspective..

I SOO SOO find myself missing certain people at certain times-as an example without getting too personal-last year, I was struggling with some feelings I knew I shouldn't be feeling and there was NO ONE close to me to talk to-not a soul-and I knew not talking was going to drive me crazy, because my thoughts are worse than reality most times.. Anyway-the person I craved was YOU! I knew I could talk to you without feeling judged, without feeling like crap-and I knew you would advise me in a godly way.. Funny though-it was so hard to pick up the phone and do that-although I tried a couple of times (there goes that phone phobia kicking in..)Just thought it may be nice for you to know that sometimes people are craving you-even if you think sometimes you are a jumbled mess..

Dad said...

The only person who should have expectations of you is you.
If your happy with yourself then screw the rest.
P.S. I always miss you