October 28, 2009

Re-thinking myself....My life

Since the birth of our fourth child I have come to the realization that there may be a huge gap between the person I WANT to be and THINK I should be, and the person I AM.

I'm not sure if I'm a smart person but what I like to be is well informed. I have always been the type of person to question things. I wonder WHY I'm doing things. I just don't like to walk blindly through life doing things because somebody else told me. I like to know the reason why I should do this or that. I like to make the best choice for myself and my family based on the knowledge that I have.

This is good and bad for a couple of reasons:

1) I like to listen to peoples opinions, new information and advice and then weigh it with the facts I currently understand.

2) I can change my opinion quite easily. This leads to either flexibility AND/OR confusion on my part leading to the INABILITY to make a firm decision. My husband and close friends can certainly attest to this ;)

What's my point. My point is that I am an ever growing and ever changing person. As I learn and grow it is my desire to become wiser. It is my goal to become a BETTER person. To be as healthy as can be. To become more informed and thus FIRM in my convictions and beliefs.

This is the problem.........
I am a Christian. I believe that EVERYTHING in the Holy Bible is true and is the word of God. I carry what some may call blind faith. I don't always understand WHY God says and does things. I won't EVER have all the answers. What I DO know is that God is there, He loves me, knows what is best for me and wants the best for my life. That kind of goes COMPLETELY against MY desire to understand and have control over things doesn't it???

So at what point do I stop TRYING to change? At what point do I start to ACCEPT that I am a certain way and that is O.K??? Should I be accepting of myself the way I am? should I stop trying to become a better person or the person I think I should be and need to be based on the knowledge I am acquiring??? Am I giving up???

It was the battle between wanting so desperately to give birth in a pool in my own home, and yet wanting the EPIDURAL. I knew my body could do it. I knew that birth is natural and the posibilty of complications was actualy higher with an epidural. But I did not WANT to feel the pain. In fact I was petrified. Did I need to trust that God would get me through it? Or did I finaly accept the fact that I needed to do what was best for ME? Did I give up ?
It was a battle within myself that held the baby in my body two weeks postpartum. It was a battle within myself that I feel has changed me. Has forced me to rethink the person I think I should be and want to be and take a look at the person I think I am.

So I'm rethinking things. I'm rethinking why I feel the need to do the things I do on a daily basis. Why I'm not happy with my life. Why on earth I feel the need to home school my children. Is it because God wants me to? Because He has called me to do something that I don't think I can do? Does He need me to lean on Him and have faith that He can help me through it? To remind me that I NEED to lean on Him and not MY OWN strength???
Or am I homeschooling because I THINK it is what is best for my children??? Is it because I feel that a good mom, a mom that truly loves her children would WANT to homeschool them???

I don't have the answer today and don't know if I will any time soon. All I know is that I need to rethink things.....Or perhaps I should just stop thinking altogether ;)


Dad said...

I learned quite awhile ago that you are who you are and when you try to change that, you just mess things up. I also strongly believe in destiny. What was meant to be will be. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.
People love you the way you are. No need to change that. Your Alyson, my baby, and I hope you never change.

Anonymous said...

I love love this post. Very well articulated... I say this to Gary all the time-is it who I am or is it who I THINK I should be.. I want to house in the country-would love to move downtown...want to stay at home and homeschool, want to work hard and be successful out of the home...want to eat naturally and organic..love love cheez whiz and white bread.....

Maybe the problem is that when I really look at who I am (in secret, with no one looking, no one to express my thoughts/opinions/judgements too), I am not always that happy with what I see. I am learning..slowly by the way.. that I am looking to so many other places-books, friends, coworkers, my own theories and thoughts-about who I should be and what decisions/values to have..and not looking at the ONLY place I should look-which is scripture. If we are Christians and believe that Christ knows us completely, created us with a purpose in mind, wants good for us-then really, no other source of information is needed to base thoughts and opinions on. That may sound intolerant or "unwise", uninformed and ignorant-but I don't think so. I think by looking everywhere else, we are losing what he wants for us-his good and perfect will!

There are some things that I want to be--I would love to be the stay at home mom who cooks from scratch, never allows TV, does crafts and celebrates daily rituals with candlelight!!! What I know-that is not who God created to be. I wish he had... oh, I wish he had. I would feel better about myself, my choices... Instead, I am a working mother who this morning, the children sat and watched an entire movie (Happy Feet) while I did morning chores and prepared for work-who ate their organic packaged oatmeal in front of the TV-who yelled to say-get ready now!!!then I kissed them, told them I loved them more than life and sent them out in the world where others will influence, where others will kiss boo-boos!! Even if others are an amazing teacher and grandparents--still not me!! Hard to reconcile that.. but ultimately I know this is best for my family-I am fulfilling a purpose I am even sure what it is yet.. I do know that today at work, I will prepare a 10 year old special needs child to be adopted into an amazing family-and that feels like a really good purpose!!!I also know, sadly, that quite frankly, I am a better mom in smaller doses!!!and sadly, my influence on them is not always the best..

I think it is healthy to be introspective at times and perhaps with the new addition to the family, this is a time to re-evaulate decisions you are making. That doesn't mean you may actually change them, but you may have to qualify the REASONS. I think looking at why we do things is perhaps the most important thing. Is a decision based on Christian values, is it based on fear, is it based on selfish desires, it is based on other's approvals, some long ago decided vision that isn't relevant anymore, etc.. or is it a deep routed conviction, supported by Christ, prayfully considered.. Then, with the intention decided, away goes the guilt, away goes the insecurity and second guessing yourself...It is a hard thing to do for sure.. I had to go through the process when deciding to send Seamus to a public school (something by the way I once said I would live in a paper box before I did that!!and now, am so so happy), and when I decided to go back to work full time (haven't worked full time in 7 years.. talk about guilt and sadness all wrapped up together).. But now, I really have to say, there is a contentment (hidden some days for sure), but it is there.. I pray that for you today..


ValleyGirl said...

Okay, here's my two cents:

Maybe a better question is to ask who God wants you to be. I know this causes much consternation for some people, but I'm coming to believe more and more that while God loves us desperately (JEALOUSLY!) and desires a personal relationship with us, the particulars of our daily existence are not His focus. The will of God is simply that we seek to bring Him glory regardless of the particulars that surround us.

In this culture, even we Christians tend to focus on ourselves rather than God. And it's a natural thing to do because everything we do, everything we think, everything we feel... involves US! But we make a mistake if we focus on ourselves, because the glory of God is what we should be concentrating on.

I think it's probably safe to say no one is very good at always glorifying God in everything they do, but as Christians, that's what should be our ultimate goal in everything we think, say, and do. Not trying to figure out if we should change some more or just accept who we are, but determining, "am I making this decision because it glorifies God?"

And yes, that's much easier said than done!!

There. Now I'm done preaching.


Anonymous said...

well, I think as a Christian you might want to accept the way you are, and to make things"easier", try the kids at school- gives everyone a break of love to be away with others for a few hours a day, you more 'me" time, thus I find feeling more energetic,and less stressed, and yes, God is always there for us, loves us, and will help you through all even when we can't see the reasoning-without His strength we can do nothing, but one can not expect life to run their way all the time, have everything nice, kids behaving etc... we all need the little breaks to carry one. this does not mean you are giving up on life, just opening up the options a bit to help the road to
be less stressful. take care.

Anonymous said...

quite trying to be a super Mom.. allow your children to be in the real world-they will learn a lot form regular school,/

Anonymous said...

I am not convinced that children need to attend school to be in the "real world." I also am not sure the reason to do that is
to "get a break, more me time." I think personally we can all use a little less "me time." But if schooling is the main thing you are questioning, then I suggest consider the temperament/gifting that God gave you and your children and prayfully consider whether that is a match for homeschooling. That is not at all giving up-it is simply assessing a situation and realizing that God does not have one calling for families-he has gifted us all individually, including our children, and how a family operates daily looks different for everyone. I also think it is so important to have agreement within a family, so while for certain, seeking God is first, you must also seek Adam and his counsel. Praying for all of you,Suzin
PS: That's it.. I'm shutting up now!!!

Anonymous said...

Will they learn how to spell at a real world regular school or is there some type of form school that I am not familiar with?

Anonymous said...

Hey scum,
Stop trying to plan out the next fifteen years of your life. :) You are homeschooling RIGHT NOW. That's great! One day you might decide not to, and that'd be great too for lots of other reasons. Just take today as it is. You're burnt out right now, because Audrey is small and you DEFINITELY have your hands full. But time will pass, she'll get bigger and gradually it'll get easier. You don't need to make decisions today, luv. It's all good.