Since the birth of our fourth child I have come to the realization that there may be a huge gap between the person I WANT to be and THINK I should be, and the person I AM.
I'm not sure if I'm a smart person but what I like to be is well informed. I have always been the type of person to question things. I wonder WHY I'm doing things. I just don't like to walk blindly through life doing things because somebody else told me. I like to know the reason why I should do this or that. I like to make the best choice for myself and my family based on the knowledge that I have.
This is good and bad for a couple of reasons:
1) I like to listen to peoples opinions, new information and advice and then weigh it with the facts I currently understand.
2) I can change my opinion quite easily. This leads to either flexibility AND/OR confusion on my part leading to the INABILITY to make a firm decision. My husband and close friends can certainly attest to this ;)
What's my point. My point is that I am an ever growing and ever changing person. As I learn and grow it is my desire to become wiser. It is my goal to become a BETTER person. To be as healthy as can be. To become more informed and thus FIRM in my convictions and beliefs.
This is the problem.........
I am a Christian. I believe that EVERYTHING in the Holy Bible is true and is the word of God. I carry what some may call blind faith. I don't always understand WHY God says and does things. I won't EVER have all the answers. What I DO know is that God is there, He loves me, knows what is best for me and wants the best for my life. That kind of goes COMPLETELY against MY desire to understand and have control over things doesn't it???
So at what point do I stop TRYING to change? At what point do I start to ACCEPT that I am a certain way and that is O.K??? Should I be accepting of myself the way I am? should I stop trying to become a better person or the person I think I should be and need to be based on the knowledge I am acquiring??? Am I giving up???
It was the battle between wanting so desperately to give birth in a pool in my own home, and yet wanting the EPIDURAL. I knew my body could do it. I knew that birth is natural and the posibilty of complications was actualy higher with an epidural. But I did not WANT to feel the pain. In fact I was petrified. Did I need to trust that God would get me through it? Or did I finaly accept the fact that I needed to do what was best for ME? Did I give up ?
It was a battle within myself that held the baby in my body two weeks postpartum. It was a battle within myself that I feel has changed me. Has forced me to rethink the person I think I should be and want to be and take a look at the person I think I am.
So I'm rethinking things. I'm rethinking why I feel the need to do the things I do on a daily basis. Why I'm not happy with my life. Why on earth I feel the need to home school my children. Is it because God wants me to? Because He has called me to do something that I don't think I can do? Does He need me to lean on Him and have faith that He can help me through it? To remind me that I NEED to lean on Him and not MY OWN strength???
Or am I homeschooling because I THINK it is what is best for my children??? Is it because I feel that a good mom, a mom that truly loves her children would WANT to homeschool them???
I don't have the answer today and don't know if I will any time soon. All I know is that I need to rethink things.....Or perhaps I should just stop thinking altogether ;)