April 22, 2007

Giving up Control

There have been two times I can recall where I really have had to humble myself before the Lord. The first time was when I was first married and found out I was pregnant with Lara. It was such a shock. We were married only a month after only 6 months of dating, and I was on my way to becoming a Navy Medic and travel the world.

I will never forget the shock....and the tears. OH the tears. I cried so hard my knees were weak and I fell to the floor. At the time I honestly thought that I was going to crumble in dissilusionment. All my plans...all the security. I was just getting used to the idea of sharing my life and space with a grown up let alone a tiny person. I had been told I may never have children due to the condition of my ovaries, we were very poor, and Adam was still in school. I had also just had a few conversations about pregancy being the last stress we needed at the time. To add fuel to the fire, I really did not like kids and was slightly afraid of the little tyrants.

After about an hour of panic I will also never forget throwing my hands into the air and laughing. I was laughing at myself. At all my plans. I was laughing because it was just so much to handle in such a short time in my life. I realized how that this was soooo out of my control. I was laughed saying God! if you are here you have me humbled before you!! I give up God!! you have the upper hand!!

I had spent the last few years getting my life together and thought it was finaly on track. After all , I had met the man of my dreams and we were about to start our life together. We were going to travel and discover each other and all that fun stuff. A child?? I child meant that I was going to be kicked off my medical course due to my 'condition'. A child meant that I was going to be taking a year off of work to stay home with it...a child meant the end of my dreams....my plans...our plans.

Funny how GOD'S WAY TRULY IS NOT OUR WAY. He can see what we don't see.
I would have never guessed that six years later I would be sitting here about to deliver my third child. I have made the choice to stay home and nurture my babies for as long as I can and I could not imagine doing anything else. After all... if God thinks I should be in charge of little lives, I am determined to do the best job I can....and despite it being a challenge I do enjoy my life.

I laugh at the woman with her arms in the air saying ha ha you got me God!! you are in control!! Mainly because I did not realize how wonderful it would be to just let go. To let go of trying to control life, and to just go with it.

After all... me being a medic on a ship travelling the world may not have been good for my marriage, and who knew how much I would actually WANT to stay home?? God knew.

Do I sometimes wonder what may have been if I had never had Lara?? Yes but I don't really care. I have made the best of things and have learned that whatever life throws at you there are two choices....

1) Fight and be miserable
2) Accept, move on and find joy in everything.

Thank you Lord for being in control of my life. Your plans are not always my plans and you know best.....Thank God.

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