Emptyness

Sun is Shinning again today. I just love the feel of the warmth on my face. I am always amazed how different I feel when the sun is coming in the windows bright and early in the morning. The day just feels so new and alive. Makes me want to actually get on with my day as opposed to sit in a grump in front of the computer drinking my tea.

So. At 34 weeks of pregnancy here are my thoughts.
The last few days I have not been looking forward to the delivery at all. Of course I don't WANT to deliver and REALLY don't want to feel the pain of birth for a third time....but that is not it. Pain goes away.

No, what is bothering me these days is a fear of the emptyness that will come as soon as I deliver this little guy. I don't know if you ladies have ever experienced it, but as soon as my babies come out, along with a the joy of seeing their little faces, I also get a feeling of loss. Literally the little baby and I will no longer be attached. For nine months I have been carrying him around, nurishing him, and feeling his every little movement. Although a part of me is grateful that I will be able to run again, and I won't be so moody, I will miss being preganant.

Maybe because this is supposedly our last baby that I am trying to hang on to the joys of it. I know that if this is our last, it is the end of a stage in our lives. That makes me a little sad. I also know that as soon as he comes out I now will have a helpless crying newborn to take care of. It will be more than just getting up 3x to pee in the night. It will be feeding, changing and rocking the little fella in admist all my exhaustion. O.K so that part scares me too.

I admit that I also love the attention I receive when pregnant.. I love the fact that people see the big belly and smile when I walk down the street. Especially when I have my two other little ones in tow. I love that I don't have to care much about what I am eating or care how fat I am. That freedom that comes with having a very obvious belly. As soon as Peyton comes I won't have anything for people to admire about my body. It will be this jiggly empty holding tank. At least I know that is how it feels....empty. I will also then have to start with the eating and exercise routine. I will again be aware of how much I have to lose and deal with people saying you look great.....for just having a baby. What does that mean anyway? That it is o.k to have a jiggly gut, varicose veins and a larger than normal butt? I know in a years time I will again return to 'normal'....but that is not the point.

I don't know what it is that is bothering me the most really. I really think because this is our last child that I'm afraid of what is to come next. Now what?? No more pregnancies and crying babies?? Is it that I feel as though I won't be needed by my kids anymore and will just be the one they come to when they want help?? I think that is it. That is why I don't want this pregnancy to end. I realize that Peyton will all too soon grow up and not need me anymore. Poor fella. I will baby him forever won't I ??

Some of this comes from my two older daughters, and choosing to stay home with my babies. They are four and two. Yes they need me for alot, but they can also play together for hours. I am not one to interupt good creative play time, so sometimes I am finding myself searching for stuff to do. It is a great day when you can send them outside to play and they do well while you clean your floors. Yesterday the laundry, cleaning, cooking ect was all finished and I found myself well....bored. It is not like I could take off and go for a run, or get out of the house. I had to be there in case someone scraped a knee. O.K so I want to be the one they come running to when they get hurt. I want to be the one who wipes their tears. So what am I complaining about? I am not sure anymore.
I guess I just want to hold onto these days for a while yet.

Maybe I am just so organized and manage my time so well that I can do it all and have time left over to sit and realize that they don't need me as much anymore. yes that is it. That is the thought I am sticking to today. I am just a super organized, and wonderful stay at home mom, whose kids are so happy that they don't need to cling to me every minute of the day. They are independent and adventurous and I will be at the door with fresh muffins and bandaids.

Alyson