I have been emotional for a few days. Perhaps for a few reasons. My mom's 60th birthday just came and went and going though old pictures and memories has been emotional. We also just said goodbye to our dear Pastor. We are not sure what that means for our future but I'm sure God will direct our paths as he has always done in the past.
Also, on top of Adam working his usual shifts, we both are working on the farm. Him helping with the haying, the cattle and organizing solar panels, and me with my growing garden and the chickens. Things are great around here, but our work load seems overwhelming. The crazy part is that we feel God is leading us to farm. We are not sure why and not sure what it is going to look like but more and more everyday our lives are changing.
I looked at Adam this week and said to him " I don't want to be this busy all the time. I don't want to take care of the homestead and the children and my chickens all by myself. ". I need help. I am taxed and overwhelmed with the calling God has on my life.
I'm right. I CAN'T do it alone. I need to lean on God and know that He has a plan for my life and that plan is going to fit right alongside God's plan for Adam's life. We both feel it and are a little scared. It does not make sense.
What makes sense is for Adam to police with a steady income and retirement. Perhaps for me to put the kids in school so I can free up my time to pull weeds. Perhaps to some what makes sense is for me to eventually work part time. But what makes sense to US is not always what makes sense to God. He sees the big picture and He knows what is best. He always does. Just like 9 years ago when I was unsure about marriage. He knew it was the best thing for me to do. He knew the plan for my life.
I've had to kill 2 chickens this week and it looks like 2 more need to be taken care of in the name of compassion. In fact I'm experiencing serious issues with my chickens. The old layers are not laying, the new layers are not laying, and my meat chickens are picking on each other, weeding out the weaker ones. The long of the short of it is that our extra income is being poured into the chickens and I find myself doubting this farming thing. I'm experiencing my first taste of farming life and it is not an easy one. It involves growth but also death, and it emphasizes the 'spend money to make money' thing. As a farmer you HAVE to spend money. You HAVE to trust that your income will be returned in a few months. You HAVE to trust God to grow the crops and keep the chickens alive. That is not an easy thing to do when you are spending your last pennies.
It is hard to kill an animal out of mercy, and I'll admit that I cried and threw up and my husband had to do it. I am also watching our bank account continue in the red and that is so hard to do. I can do nothing more than pray for guidance. I need to trust Him because we KNOW there is a plan. We KNOW we are doing the right thing but it is so difficult when things are not going according to plan...OUR plan.
Adam is about to go full salary with the police force. We have waited 3 years for this. We have struggled and cried for 3 years knowing we would come to this point. So why at this point do we feel that in a few years we are about to abandon the comforts of a good paycheck?? Perhaps it was the journey of the past 3 years that WAS the goal. After all life is about the JOURNEY no? We need to trust God to lead us. We need to abandon our logical way of things and let go. We need to Trust. All will be well as it has been in the past. He will be as faithful to us as He has always been. Right?????????????????