October 10, 2009

Just Being Real

I look at pictures on my blog. How nice they are. How wonderful that I'm such an organized and wonderful mother. How fabulous that my children are so happy and loved. Oh how we are a perfect family. Close, loving, caring. Look at all the fun we have. Look at the love I give to my kids. To homeschool them. To take the time to nurture them and set an example. To allow them the freedom to be kids. What a wonderful mother and person I must be.

What a load of crap that is.....

Sometimes I wonder what on earth I was thinking ever having four children, or even one child for that matter. Why would God allow me to procreate and be in charge of these kids when I have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER WHAT I'M DOING???????
When I don't have a clue how to 'be a parent'....How to give these kids the right mix of love and discipline?

Sometimes I just want to run away and throw in the towel because it is just....just too hard. I know, I know, parenting is not easy and nobody ever said it was but by golly some people just seem to LIKE their kids more than I do. Some people just seem to have all the right answers and the more into this parenting gig I get the more I realize that I'm not one of those people!!!

I know there are people out there who think I'm doing a great job. That my kids are great so I must be doing something right. I'll tell you the secret. They are great DESPITE me and my short comings. They are great despite my anger and patience issues and THANK GOD for that!!

I thank GOD and maybe my fabulous husband for the way my kids are because God and my husband know that I suck sometimes. O.K I suck at being a loving nurturing mother way too often.

No more excuses...It is not because I'm tired. It is not because I need to get out more. I just suck sometimes and I wish I didn't.

I want...no I need for my kids to know their mommy is their number one fan. I need them to know they are safe here at home. The world is a harsh place and will all too soon remind them of that. But here, now, in our home they need to feel joy. I need to feel joy with them.

I need to make changes...........

Starting with the sun coming out more than once in 2 weeks. Too bad I don't have control over THAT either.


Anonymous said...

Bah...the women who look like they know what they're doing, and like they're happy-mommy-all-the-time-because-my-life-is-so-wholly-fulfilling, are a)drinking heavily, b)better liers than you, or c)both.
Give yourself a break. There are some days that all of us don't want to be mommies and want to run away and join the circus.
Love you- you normal, normal mommy.

Nancy said...

No no no - you do not suck! You are a wonderful mom!

You do create joy - both for your kids and also for - certain other members of your extended family!! (Initials N and P)

I can remember feeling that way and sometimes still do (bad parent, didn't create enough good times). Hmm-m-m - maybe it's endemic to moms. . . .

The Kerr Family said...

You, like the rest of us, are not a perfect mother or a perfect woman ... but you are Adam's perfect woman and Lara, Erin, Peyton & Audrey's perfect mother. Look how mucn you've grown from the time before you were a Christian! I think it's important to listen to that voice inside that says we can, and should, do better. When I hear that voice I usually get a new parenting book that speaks to me or I reread Barbara Coloroso's 'Kids Are Worth It' b/c when I know better, I do better. Your children are loved, clothed, fed, stimulated & disciplined ... go easy on yourself, you're doing great.

Country Wife said...

Hey....how'd you get inside my head?
Can't tell you how many times I have laid my head down at night and thought the same..."I just suck". But I try to remember that this too shall pass. That even when hubby is on the night shift, I am Never Alone. And even though God created a perfect world in 7 days, I am hoping that it means I am that much more special to Him that it is taking 30 plus years to perfect me.