I look at pictures on my blog. How nice they are. How wonderful that I'm such an organized and wonderful mother. How fabulous that my children are so happy and loved. Oh how we are a perfect family. Close, loving, caring. Look at all the fun we have. Look at the love I give to my kids. To homeschool them. To take the time to nurture them and set an example. To allow them the freedom to be kids. What a wonderful mother and person I must be.
What a load of crap that is.....
Sometimes I wonder what on earth I was thinking ever having four children, or even one child for that matter. Why would God allow me to procreate and be in charge of these kids when I have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER WHAT I'M DOING???????
When I don't have a clue how to 'be a parent'....How to give these kids the right mix of love and discipline?
Sometimes I just want to run away and throw in the towel because it is just....just too hard. I know, I know, parenting is not easy and nobody ever said it was but by golly some people just seem to LIKE their kids more than I do. Some people just seem to have all the right answers and the more into this parenting gig I get the more I realize that I'm not one of those people!!!
I know there are people out there who think I'm doing a great job. That my kids are great so I must be doing something right. I'll tell you the secret. They are great DESPITE me and my short comings. They are great despite my anger and patience issues and THANK GOD for that!!
I thank GOD and maybe my fabulous husband for the way my kids are because God and my husband know that I suck sometimes. O.K I suck at being a loving nurturing mother way too often.
No more excuses...It is not because I'm tired. It is not because I need to get out more. I just suck sometimes and I wish I didn't.
I want...no I need for my kids to know their mommy is their number one fan. I need them to know they are safe here at home. The world is a harsh place and will all too soon remind them of that. But here, now, in our home they need to feel joy. I need to feel joy with them.
I need to make changes...........
Starting with the sun coming out more than once in 2 weeks. Too bad I don't have control over THAT either.