As much as I would never give up breastfeeding I thought this was HILLARIOUS!! It was sent by my friend Kelly in an e-mail so I just copied it.
Schedule for nipple roughing and preparedness:
Day 1 - Rub the nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2 - At bedtime, set the alarm to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes rocking in a chair with the nipples clamped by a pair of "Chip Clips."
Day 3 - Draw branching lines all over the chesticle area with blue and green sharpies. Then stand in front of the
mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty!"
Day 4 - Open the already crowded freezer and make room for five dozen more plastic milk bags
Day 5 - Take the hose of a vacuum cleaner and place onto one breast and set it on "Medium Pile"
Day 6 - Procure some "Do Not Cross" police tape and wrap it around the chesticles. When the spouse asks about it, reply, "Get used to it!"
Day 7 - Place a water balloon over each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Then practice open and closing the flaps with one hand while handling and balancing a sack full of squirming puppies with the other.
Day 8 - Dine in the fanciest restaurant. Make sure you arrive with a milk stain over each breast.
Day 9 - Record mother advising "Just give that baby some cereal like god intended and she'll sleep through the night!" Play on an endless loop at 3:00am.
Day 10 - Slather breasts with peanut butter and birdseed. Go stand very still in the back yard.
Day 11 - Suckle a wolverine.