July 07, 2007

As much as I would never give up breastfeeding I thought this was HILLARIOUS!! It was sent by my friend Kelly in an e-mail so I just copied it.

Schedule for nipple roughing and preparedness:
Day 1 - Rub the nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2 - At bedtime, set the alarm to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes rocking in a chair with the nipples clamped by a pair of "Chip Clips."

Day 3 - Draw branching lines all over the chesticle area with blue and green sharpies. Then stand in front of the
mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty!"

Day 4 - Open the already crowded freezer and make room for five dozen more plastic milk bags

Day 5 - Take the hose of a vacuum cleaner and place onto one breast and set it on "Medium Pile"

Day 6 - Procure some "Do Not Cross" police tape and wrap it around the chesticles. When the spouse asks about it, reply, "Get used to it!"

Day 7 - Place a water balloon over each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Then practice open and closing the flaps with one hand while handling and balancing a sack full of squirming puppies with the other.

Day 8 - Dine in the fanciest restaurant. Make sure you arrive with a milk stain over each breast.

Day 9 - Record mother advising "Just give that baby some cereal like god intended and she'll sleep through the night!" Play on an endless loop at 3:00am.

Day 10 - Slather breasts with peanut butter and birdseed. Go stand very still in the back yard.

Day 11 - Suckle a wolverine.


Anonymous said...

That is so funny. The sad part is that it's more truth than fiction!

Have a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

I laughed till I cried! I particularly liked day 9, only it wasn't my mom that said it endlessly!

Cathy said...

Yes, there is a lot of truth to this! Sad, but true.

Thankfully I still made it through!

buhtafly said...

thats great! funny yet somewhat true! hahaha day 6 and 7 made me laugh the hardest!

Nancy said...

Loved this - specially days 8 and 9. I think I breast fed for a total of 5 years. . . One time in my life that I still regret very much was the time that I let my neighbours and husband talk me into weaning our younger guy (he was 2 at the time). Arr-r-rg-gh-h-h-h!