April 14, 2007

Thank God for Age and Wisdom

When did it happen?? When did I grow up? and more importantly How did it happen?

I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday and was pleasantly surprised at my reflection.
Looking back at me was not an insecure girl, unsure of herself and critical at every fault and blemmish. Instead I saw a wife and mother of 3. I saw a confidence and security that I'm not used to seeing. Beyond the developing laugh lines and crows feet I saw the same eyes...but older and wiser. I saw years of struggle and unhappiness washed away and a glow of contentment. I'm sure I was prettier when I was younger, but it was lost in self loathing and insecurity...and hidden behind layers of makeup that did nothing except protect people from seeing my real self.
Back then I needed to hide. Needed to transform my face in a desperation to find approval in those that met me on a daily basis.
I feel sorry for that girl, but happy that she found herself :)

Little did I know that nobody really cared. Everyone else was too caught up in their insecure world...trying to fit in and find themselves. That is one thing I wish I could tell myself. Who cares about your pimple and who cares that you are a little overweight. People don't. People see the insecurity over and above all that and that is what they shy away from. In fact it was only me that was holding myself back from doing the things that I really wanted to do.

I don't regret the past. Nor would I change anything that happened. After all....those experiences are what molded me into the person I have become. And franctly....I like who I am. I would change my perceptions though and wish I could have laughed more and not shy'd away from the world....such a waste.

So what brought about this change in me? Time? Experience? Knowing that I have a God that loves me unconditionaly and only cares about my soul? Perhaps. In fact I do understand now just how important good character is. That is what I am working on. THAT has become my focus.
I think I've been able to take the focus off myself and instead of hating the person I am and sulking in self pity, I've accepted that I am imperfect and decided to change what I don't like.
WE ALL FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. God knows that we have faults but loves us anyway. So get over it and move on. Work on what is pleasing to Him and only Him. Eventually you will surprise yourself with how much he will change your perceptions on what is truly important in life.

Thank you for being Lord of my Life. Thank you for giving me my life back.

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